I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
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