I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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