i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
I have fence marks all over my body
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
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