someone threw a dead crab at me
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
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