I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
