alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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