I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
Randomize
