my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
