He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize