The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
