So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
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