Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
