I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
