I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
