Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
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