sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
