she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
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