He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I just want to make out with him forever
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
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