i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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