I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
