You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Randomize
