She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
