wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Enjoy the penises
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
