remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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