I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
no. you can't hotbox the world.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
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