how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Randomize
