Only a mothe r could love this liver
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
That's how pantless uber rides happen
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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