Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
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