Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Randomize
