Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
I will be naked everywhere
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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