Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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