I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
