are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize