I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
