Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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