I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
