I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
