broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
