We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
