My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
