The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
Randomize
