and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Everclear isn't food dammit
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
