if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
