I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
