Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
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