Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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