My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
