ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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