And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Randomize
