One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
