New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
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