life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
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