It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
