I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
It's rum buckets o'clock
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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