I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
NoShamevember. You game?
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Randomize
