Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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