I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
