Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
