I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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