I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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