i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize
