hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Randomize
