she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
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