i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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